Normal Girl?

I don't handle stuff really well. I get angry a little too easily. I'm apprehensive of people - because some of the closest ones I've had in my life have left me. I'm not as confident as I should be. I've done a lot at my age - but often times I feel so stagnate or I'm falling behind on this imaginary pace I've set for myself. My anxiety can get the best of me - leading to needy tendencies even though I'm not necessarily a needy person. Sometimes, I can be clouded by my own selfishness that I don't see the big picture right in front of me.

Often times, these ideas circulate over and over in my head. Like a vicious wheel spinning into the void, it's uncontrollable. There are some times where it does suddenly stop. There is an item blocking the wheel from spinning over and over again. But after a long period of time, the item succumbs to the immense amount of pressure that has been built up. And like before the temporary fix - the wheel continues to keep spinning at an even more vicious pace than before. I can't honestly remember exactly what the good times felt like. They seem like a distant memory. Oh, how I should have remembered every detail of them. I should have soaked it up. Knowing fully well, I was living in a time before things broken down around me.

At this time, I'm trying to regroup. It's back. It's built momentum and it's kind of rolling on its own at this point. Right now, I'm sick of the temporary fixes I've had before. I'm done with them. They've given me nothing but pain. But the thing is I should have known they would. How can I hold so much trust into something - or someone for that matter - because that is too much pressure to put on one thing. Of course a break down occurred. The only fix can be found within. I can dismantle the wheel. It's all about where to start.

I've been listening to "Normal Girl" by SZA - on repeat for several days now. Her album came at the perfect time in my life - almost three years ago to the day. Coming back to it - shows me I never really fixed the ailments before. The pains I was feeling at that moment were left unresolved. They were never fully addressed. They remained untouched and not acknowledged as if they could go away if I convinced myself they were gown. That they floated away because they weren't tethered to anything.

I know I'm not perfect - but who really is? What is the definition of normal? Because I'm not that but I so desperately wish I was. I wish I didn't have this wheel filled with these anxieties. Over time, I know they will go away but it takes time. I can't wait to get on the other side of that bridge. But right now, I am a girl - figuring out what she wants and how to deal with what life has in store for her.