i

"And I love myself

(The world is a ghetto with big guns and picket signs)

I love myself

(But it can do what it want whenever it want, I don't mind)

I love myself"

- "i" By: Kendrick Lamar

"I love myself"

I never thought that I would ever hear a man, let alone a rapper utter those words. Freshman year of college, I was taken back by this radical declaration of love for oneself. It hit me to my core, because it was said not with any sort of ignorance but with so much self reflection. It was said with such an understanding, so intense and so powerful, I couldn't ignore it any longer. After recovering from this statement, I began to turn the statement to myself. Almost as if holding a mirror to my own mental state of mind, I reflected the statement back at me. "Do I love myself?" I said.

Rap was never my go-to genre in high school and the beginning of college. I seemed to be stuck in the indie bubble, thinking those were the only genres that talked about something "real". It wasn't until I met Kendrick Lamar, that my whole perception of the genre and of music completely changed.

The song released in September 2014 was Kendrick's most anticipated single. He was back after dropping one of the greatest rap albums of all time "Good Kid, M.A.A.D City". Unlike everyone else, I actively avoided that album even though it was a critically and commercially acclaimed. I was very much stuck in my own ways, too scared to branch out into the unknown.

Fast forward to when the single dropped. To avoid studying for my test, I scrolled through Spotify clicking everything in sight. "i"'s cover art was the first thing that drew me in. Two hands, each in the shape of hearts is the focal point of it. Kendrick Lamar's name is then scrawled at the bottom in a font, notable in his other works.

Something this simple, honestly, embodies the song itself. It isn't a complex song, lyrically. Now before you yell at the screen and say "How dare you?", hear me out. The song is pretty straight forward. It is a message he has so adamantly pushed forward in other albums and in multiple interviews. This stance is: you must work on yourself, before you work on others.

My time at Mizzou, I had grappled with this concept. As being a woman of color at a PWI, I have tried to be an advocate and ally for my community and others. I have fought, often times sacrificing my mental health. At one point, I felt sucked dry. Feeling that no matter what I did it I was never enough. I started to give up. Then, I stumbled upon this song again after I read an interview with Lamar in Rolling Stone magazine in 2017.

His words rang in my ears, "reflection of self."

Those words put into perspective what I was feeling and gave me the power to move forward. Taking action has so many different meanings, so many variant levels. Something as simple as loving yourself, in a world that wants to tear you down can create change. Instead of seeing this statement as being selfish, I saw it as empowerment. No matter what anyone thought of me, I needed to say this to myself. In order to keep moving forward, I needed to be in the right mental state of mind to work on the community around me and others.

I also heard someone telling me it was ok to take a step back. For so long, I was scared and nervous to take a step back. My mentality often times would fight against me, putting in the idea that I was the only person that could get something done. I was wrong. In order for me to be as strong as I want to be, this deep dive into oneself is vital to further change. It isn't a sign of weakness, but one of strength.

These lyrics were that reassurance for me. The times in my life where I feel tired, wanting to give up, I listen to this song. In times where I am about to speak up or go to an important event, I listen to this song. It is almost like the whole community I have built for myself is telling me over and over again, one simple phrase: love yourself.

Years have passed since I listened to that song in that tiny dorm room in Hatch Hall, thank god. I have grown up. I have experienced pain, loss, happiness and joy. Yet no matter what happens, I know these words will still ring true for years and years to come.