Jessie Reyez is my hero

Tell me boy, how in the f**** would you feel? If you couldn’t get me back That’s what I wish that I could do to you, you To you, you

- Figures, a Reprise by Jessie Reyes (Feat. Daniel Caesar)

Anger; an emotion I try to keep at a minimum. This year, unfortunately, I fell into the all consuming fire that it is. It was new ground for me. The anger was an anger in myself for allowing people to treat me this way, along with an anger for meeting people who didn’t care about me, who inflicted pain onto me. The most frustrating part about it was it wasn’t just one person, it was multiple. A pattern seemed to form and each time pieces of me were broken off in the aftermath.

To cope with this new state of mind, I began to make playlists. While trying to hide my feelings, I named them pretty obvious names, with each song being incredibly pointed. Listening back to them, I can hear my pain, frustration, anger and a slight bit of optimism that everything would be ok.

However the main theme was always the same: anger.

The funny thing is this song wasn’t on any of those playlists. I discovered it by accident and what an accident indeed. Before I go on, I must describe my process in listening to songs. I pride myself of listening to lyrics of songs pretty intensely. Almost like poetry or a book for class, I listen to it ad nauseam, dissecting every word of it. I crave a connection. I reach out, searching to relate to someone (someone who I may never meet). I search, franticly, to put words to the feelings I am trying to grapple/understand myself. But with this song it took me a while to do that.

I was taken by Reyez’s voice. The combination of her and Daniel’s, was a great juxtaposition, telling almost the same story in different ways. One, filled with anger, the other filled with a deep sadness. Each exhibiting the same feeling: pain. It wasn’t until I was casually listening to the song in my bathroom getting ready for the day that I was struck by the words. It was almost as if someone punched me in the gut. The wind got knocked out of me and all that came out while I listened to the song was a slight chuckle. By this point, I had made roughly three playlists. For me, I was searching for a song that articulated what I was feeling. However, I didn’t really fully grasp exactly what I was feeling. But at that moment, everything seemed to be clear for once. The smoke dissipated.

The song, which is a continuation of a song titled “Figures" (aptly titled). In this version, Daniel Caesar is added to the mix cutting Reyez’ s piece into halves. Softly, the song starts out, along with Reyez’s voice. Then suddenly the beat gets harder, her voice becomes harsher, fiercer. Then the chorus hits. Each time I listen to it’s hard for me not to stop and scream it out along side her.

In the chorus, Reyez sings the quote about: I wish I could hurt you back Love, what would you do if you couldn’t get me back You’re the one who’s gonna lose Something so special, something so real Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel? If you couldn’t get me back That’s what I wish that I could do to you, you To you, you

At that moment, I was in that place. I wanted to get them back, all the people that wronged me. I wanted them to feel this anger that had consumed me. I wanted them to feel the crippling anxiety that sprung up after those instances. I wanted them to be consumed by the fire. Her anger rung through my ears, striking me. When Caesar’s voice cuts in, I then realized that I was also feeling his emotions. A deep sadness and a reliving of the emotions that gave me a sort of comfort. I was still holding out hope that they missed me too.

Listening to this song, although through this post validated my feelings in the moment. It gave me something else; closure. The song isn’t really filled with a ton of optimism, it made me realize that I could get through it. That everything, that I still bottled up inside needed to be let out. This song, then acted in that release. It was transformative, and made me realize my worth. I grew stronger. I focused on myself, not allowing for the others to inflict anymore pain. I was finally free.

Jessie Reyez, thank you. Thank you for giving me a helping hand.